Crash and Burn (cont)

If you haven't figured it out, these "Crash and Burn" titled entries are pretty much how I went from out in the free world. To entering rehab number two. I call it life in the free world but it was pure hell. All my time was spent trying to score OC. The worst is dealing with people who also live in the drug culture. At this time I was primarily living in my car. My parent were just finishing up there new house, so atleast I would have a place to live soon. Everyone, my friends and family, new what was going on in my life. I think they just didn't know what to do. I was still going over to my house every evening and spending time with my family and things seemed to be getting better, but I knew it was just a big lie and that soon it would all blow up in my face. My wife was getting more and more stressed about her inability to balance her check book. I was plugging away working a little bit and doing a lot of side jobs to earn money for OC's. The three different sources that I was scoring from were very unstable, so I did spend some time down, just sick. Sometimes when I was sick I would go to my parents hotel room and lay on there bed or just sit in my car. Either way I would be hating life so bad. I just remember holding on to the cell phone just waiting for it to ring with the good news. When you are in that situation, you call numbers like "time and temperature" to make sure that the phone is working. The key is to not call the hook too much. You can't let them know that you are really hurting that bad. They really need to think that you could go somewhere else if you wanted to. Dealers know the power that they have, some, not all will use it. Usually the hook doesn't want to charge too much because they have to keep you on the market. If you run out of money, you are gone. Rehab or whatever. Dealers also know that a user doesn't really want to shop around to find a new hook. It is always good to know lot's of people in the business, but you don't want your name associated with lot's of people. However, if prices get too high anyone will start calling around. Any hook loves a steady buyer. Over the years I definately got the rep. as a steady buyer.
So I was doing some extra work at my parents house to earn some extra money. It was almost finished. I had added some lighting and other electrical stuff above and beyond what the contractor had done. I know my parents were just giving me a way to earn some cash. I think they felt bad that they were unable to put a roof over my head. Through the years I had picked up some skills from being on construction sites. Even though my training was in heating/AC, I could do a little of everything on a home. Especially electrical work, I was getting pretty good at it.
Finally, my parent moved into their home. About a week later I moved in. It was nice to be out of my car and a little more stable. I don't think my wife liked it though. I know she liked it more when things were harder on me and I was uncomfortable. She thought it would be too easy for me to be living at home. There was definately some resentment there. I was still writing checks to myself from her account when I couldn't get money anywhere else. I would write each check for $280.00. My guy would sell my four 80's for that amount. That was actually a really good deal. I also had a couple other deals going on that I would score from, but he was my steady score, Rocky. Then one Saturday, I was helping my parents get all settled in. Just setting things up and putting things in their place. I was up in the attic taking some folding chairs up there. I heard the doorbell ring. I didnt think too much of it. I could hear some talking but it was muffled as I was in the attic and not concentrating too much at that point. Then I distinctly heard a familiar voice yelling and crying. I began to pay a little more attention. It was my wife and her sister. They had just been to the bank and seen the checks. "Sam has stolen over a thousand dollars from me" I heard my wife yell at my Dad through her tears. Then her sister Liz backed it up with some babbling facts. My Mom and Dad didn't know what to say other than they were not surprised. I stayed up in the attic and just listened for a while. She was really blowing this thing out of proportion. I was still thinking that it was my money just as much as it was hers. I do know that my methods might not have been the best. Okay maybe they were downright sneaky and shitty but I really had no choice, In my mind.
So I came down and we had a big yelling match. She finally screamed that she had had enough and couldn't do it anymore. This was it. I was part scared and part relieved. How would this be? What would happen with my kids? Would I ever get to see them? Man she was pissed off. After she left it led to an awkward moment with my folks as you could probably understand. We had a long talk, tears were shed and I told them I needed help badly. I told them that HH didn't help at all. That I felt like shit the minute I left that place. We did some searching on the Web and made some calls and found a place called Narconon. We narrowed it down to one in Oklahoma and one in Newport beach CA. I picked Newport. My mom was quite nervous because this rehab was based on the principles of the religion of Scientology. The thing that really intrigued us was the sauna treatment. They not only get you clean but they get all chemicals out of your body completely by sitting in a sauna and taking a mixture of large doses of Niacin and other things that clean you out. They told us that the diet, everything is chemical free. You can't even take an Ibuprofen for a headache in this place. I was to leave tomorrow. They told me to get enough drugs to get though the next day. So I called Rocky and told him I was moving to Utah and I needed to score quickly. When I met him I think he knew something was going on. He sold me what we agreed on and then gave me some OC-ir 20 mg's. (oxycontin, instant release, twenty milligrams) He gave me eight of those. I hid one of the OC 80's in my bedroom closet and got to ripping on the rest. I called all my siblings and friends and told them what was going on. There seemed to be a sense of relief in most of their voices. That made me feel really bad. But atleast I was moving on and trying to fix it. Do something. The hard thing is that no body knew how hard this was going to be. Harder than anything I could ever imagine. I still don't know if it is possible for me. All I can do is keep working towards it.
I always just look at random people and think "I bet they aren't addicted to drugs, how would that be? How did I get here? Why me? What the hell am I going to do?" I know that everybody has problems, but mine are just out of reach. It's like I am climbing a giant mountain and everytime I think I am getting to the summit it just get's higher and higher. About one day out of a week I have a good happy day, where everything feels good, I feel like things are actually going to work out. Every other day I feel as though I am just getting my ass kicked. Bad news, then bad news then pain then whatever.
Oh well. So I was planning to go to CA the next day and I was getting high. I had one night. My wife was leaving me, and didn't know if she would let me see my kids. I will finish later.
peace.