So, back to where I left off in getting you up to date on my life. Really up to date on how I have ended up where I currently am. I left for So. Cal. It was hard to leave my family at that time. Even though my wife and I were separated we still spent a lot of time together and I was with my kids a lot. I was just always high. However, that really meant normal. People always say how could you be around your kids messed up and not thinking clearly. Well trust me, I was normal when I took OC. I wasn't getting high anymore, just not sick. If you have never been dope sick then you don't really know what I am talking about. There is really no way to explain it. It is the most brutal, relentless, painful sickness you could ever imagine. When I hear about all these guys walking into pharmacies with guns and robbing them for OC's I know exactly how they feel. Trust me that is not a big leap from where I have been many times. I have never done something like that because I am too scared of Jonesing my ass off in jail. I cannot think of a worse place to go through withdrawals than in jail. With all these other guys watching you in pain, sweating your ass off and the worst case of the shits you could ever imagine. I also think of my kids when I start thinking like that. Being strung out on prescription drugs is bad enough, but now having to deal with a father in jail is just too much. like I say, "you have to be a bad ass to be a junkie".
Mostly what I remember about leaving for Cali is the night before I left I was staying in my parents basement. I had enough stuff to get me through the night and all the way through the next day. I would arrive in Cal at 2p.m. so I new I had plenty to get by. I was all alone and planning to get really fucked up, I guess to see if I even could get fucked up any more. Then my oldest sister showed up. She said she was scared for me and just wanted to spend some time with me before I left. I will never forget that, it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. I thought no body wanted anything to do with me at that point. We just hung out and had a good time talking. I can't recall if I got high in front of her or if I went into the other room and told her what I was doing, but either way she was awesome and super cool about everything. I do remember right before I went to bed hiding a OC 40mg and four 10mg IR pills (IR=instant release OC) deep in my closet where no one would find them for the night I got home because surely I wouldn't be returning home to my own family. By this time my wife had a divorce lawyer and just couldn't take anymore. I was on my 2nd rehab and who new if this would work any better than the first. I didn't blame her at all and I was trying to come to grips with it. What it would be like when I got home. Her with another man was tough, another man living with my kids really tough. Things like that, but I had to deal with it "you have to be a bad ass to be a junkie". I was struggling with all that. So any way I left and got home three and a half months later. I will fill you in on both rehab stints later. I have a ton of stuff I need to say from both places. I could talk to my wife about twice a week in cali. We would talk mostly about the kids, I would talk with them as well. I just remember trying to keep everything really generic like we were already divorced, I didn't want it to be an ugly divorce. I would take all the blame even though she had her problems as well. She just didn't see them. She really took to the poor picked on wife who has been through hell, well I guess she had. I will go into all this later. One day toward the end she started talking a little different, saying that she loved me and was saying I sounded great. "The old Sam is back", she would say. I didn't see it. I felt great but I didn't see the change based on our converstions. then she told me she had gotten rid of her lawyer and wanted to come out at my graduation and stay with me a couple of days and come home with me. I was blindsided, I had just barely come to grips with getting divorced and kind of excited to come home to a new start. Don't get me wrong I was happy, just a huge surprise. I wasn't sure how I really felt. But for the kids sake it was a no-brainer, my marriage was saved. I don't know if it was the best thing for me or for her, but i think it was best for the kids. So we got home and everything was great. For about a year. I was working for my little brother in a low stress-low pay job. We had lost our house and were living in a basement apartment. Trying to keep my life as low stress as possible. I would do construction side jobs in the evenings and weekends. It was working, but it could not last. the apt. was in my wives sisters basement and it was big and brand new so it wasn't too bad. The hard part is that it was next to the house that I had built for my family only three years earlier. It was a nice house and now the bank owned it. My kids would sit on it's lawn and look at it and cry sometimes. That was tough, but hey I was a bad ass, I could deal with it.
Well that is as far as I have time to go today. I will try to finish next time.
peace.
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